The Kudzu Files

Terror In Florida Waters

You know when you're at the beach in Florida, to watch out for sharks. In the Everglades, in some lakes and ponds, you know to watch out for alligators. When you're on the Suwanee River, did you know to watch out for leaping sturgeon? The National Geographic reports that sturgeon are jumping out of the water, and in some cases colliding with boats and jet skis, in some cases injuring people. It sounds funny, until you realize that an adult sturgeon can be 8 feet long (maybe even bigger!), weigh 200 pounds, and leap 6 feet out of the water. And they have these armor plates along their back. But at least we know the incidents are accidental:

"These are random collisions … there is no parallel to an attack," said Jerry Krummrich, a freshwater fishery biologist with the Florida Wildlife Commission in Lake City."

And Alan Huff, a research administrator with the Fish and Wildlife Research Institute , said "We do know that they're not doing anything to intentionally harm boaters, they're one of the more mellow, placid fish out there. They just like to jump."

OK, how do they know this? Do they somehow communicate with the fish? I mean, how do they know this isn't some Gaia-inspired retaliation for caviar? Sure they're primitive fish, but they may have long memories.

So let's recap - in a river in Florida, giant armored fish are hurling themselves at boats and boaters. I got attacked by an enraged blue jay once, I would have to say this sounds much, much worse.

On Apple Pies

One of the things that makes the South the South is food. And few Southern meals are complete without apple pie. I'm thinking about apple pie because my 15-year-old daughter has learned to make a pretty decent apple pie just recently. Somewhere, my father is smiling - he loved a good apple pie more I think than anyone I ever knew. While I was eating a slice of warm, almost hot apple pie with a bit of vanilla ice cream tonight, I started thinking about good pie apples and not-so-good pie apples. You want a firm apple, at least for most of the apples in the pie. That (mostly) eliminates McIntosh and Cortland apples. I say (mostly) because some people like to mix a couple of softer apples into the batch so there's a little applesauce-like filling around the apple pieces. I'm not one of those. Some people use all of one type apple. Some mix two types. The reason for this is to get a sweet-tart taste mix. There are some apples that have this sweet-tart combination naturally, like Jonathan, Stayman-Winesap, and Jonagold. When they're good, that is. Pink Lady, to me, is also like that. But it seems like sometimes, with Jonathan and Winesap (I've never had a Jonagold), they're either too sweet or too tart to provide that mix. So, to more reliably get that sweet-tart taste, you can mix apples in the filling. The "classic" combo is Golden Delicious and Granny Smith - but only, the experts say, when the Golden Delicious, which is native to the eastern US, is actually grown in the eastern US. When grown in the western US, or Europe, it Golden Delicious apples apparently get mushy. Braeburn, Fuji, and Rome Beauty are also good sweet pie apples, so any of these mixed with Granny Smith should reach that sweet-tart taste mix. I think I'll embark on a personal journey of discovery to determine which apples actually available here come out ahead, while Kris is hepped up about making apple pies.

Happy New Year, Southern Style!

Black-eyed peas, turnip greens, and ham successfully consumed, good luck for the coming year thereby assured! (All of you guys ate 'em too, right?)

Moon Pie Haiku

Niller is killer
Chokkit being also good
Nanner not quite so

Tips On Growing Kudzu

All of you beginning gardeners out there might want to consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great adventure of gardening in the south. Kudzu, for those of you not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple rules:

Choosing a Plot

Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on concrete, for best results you should select an area having at least some dirt. To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away from your neighbor's house, unless, of course, you don't get along well with your neighbor anyway.

Preparing the Soil

Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its attention and to prepare it for kudzu.

Deciding When to Plant

Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and begin throwing rocks at you.

Selecting the Proper Fertilizer

The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40 weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes first.

Mulching the Plants

Contrary to what you may be told by the Extension Service, kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback, your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward you with redoubled determination in the long run.

Organic or Chemical Gardening

Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests. Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.

Crop Rotation

Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing season has reached its peak, you should list your house with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.

Something That Really Matters

Sometimes, you get so preoccupied watching the insignificant that the significant sneaks up on you. That's what's going on here. Krispy Kreme is in trouble. If you're not from the South, chances are you've never had the culinary pleasure of biting into a hot, just made Krispy Kreme donut. They are lust, passion, desire, rolled into dough. You eat your first Krispy Kreme, you think life should end if you can't immediately have a second. So the thought of this company being in serious financial trouble is worse than troubling. It's very close to apocalyptic. Now they're bringing in the guy who's been shepherding Enron through it's bankruptcy, so you know it's bad. Very bad. I'm thinking maybe I should start stockpiling boxes of the things. And buy a gun. A big gun. Full automatic. With lots of bullets.

I Think It Started With The Water Fountains

It was a very different time. And even though I drive over the same streets, and see the same buildings, it's hard to believe it was the same place. Jackson, Mississippi, in 1964 simply wasn't a good place to be black. I was only 10, but there were things I didn't understand. Not that I questioned them at that time, but it registered that something wasn't quite right. The water fountains at the zoo were labeled "White" and "Black" (maybe "Colored" - I can't remember). The bus station had separate waiting areas for whites and blacks. Those restaurants that admitted blacks had a separate room for them, and the accomodations were certainly not equal. And there were incidents - grown men squirting mustard and ketchup on a black boy simply because he sat at a lunch counter. Humiliating him. Fire hoses and police dogs. Policemen beating unarmed people to the ground with billy clubs. And then there were the three people in Philadelphia. Philadelphia wasn't far from the towns where my grandparents lived. What had happened to those three men? As a white child in Mississippi, you only saw fragments of these things, and the inclination was to somehow just make them fit into a way of living that was just the way things were. Not right or wrong, just there. The only thing I really wondered about was, why the separate water fountains at the zoo? I think, more than anything else, those water fountains made me question the status quo.

Somehow, in the face of what I now know were incredible dangers, in the face of a society that was prepared to kill to make sure black people accepted their status as second- or third-class citizens - not citizens, really, inhabitants - somehow, there were men and women who reached deep down, overcame their fears, and stood up to challenge that society. They did this knowing that they weren't just endangering themselves. They were placing their friends, their neighbors, their children, in mortal danger. For many whites believed that the law would never challenge them for things they did to suppress the blacks who did stand up, to knock them back down in a way that would send the message to other blacks - "Don't do that again!". And for so long, they were correct. Yet in the face of this, there were blacks (and whites) who did challenge the Way Of Life. I'm not sure, today, that we can truly understand just how amazingly brave these people had to be, the deep-seated, blinding terror that they had to stifle time after time. I just know that we owe them a debt that can never be repaid.

(Yes, I've posted this before, but it seems appropriate)